I’ve decided to take the Bar in February instead of July. With all the stuff and major life changes going on in my life, I had been set back in my studying. Also, my finances were getting tight. So, I’m working on getting a job and studying steadily when I am not working. This gives me the opportunity to get valuable work experience in law, something I was lacking in, and so I am glad to have the chance to explore different fields.
So, life is good overall and I have many options available to me. However, all is still undecided and feels so up in the air. I have growing responsibilities and concerns in my new life, and no family or sister around to support me on a day to day basis like before. What a lonely feeling when I realized my other half would no longer be living near me! I am plunged into the adult world with hardly anyone talk to about it!
An my poor roomie has similar worries – she’s searching for a job and trying to make a life for herself as an adult. If only I could help her to realize, though, that everything is going to work out for her. God takes care of her day to day problems. And she is doing so much better than she thinks she is! She’s accomplished so much, and has job possibilities on the horizon. Negative voices try to tell her she cannot succeed, but objectively, that is ridiculous.
Well, my cyber friend, livejournal, forgive me if I choose to write vaguely of the worries in my head and instead now dwell on lighter stuff… such as my weight loss goals (hee hee, “lighter”- no pun was intended). I daily engage in a war against my own body. It seems to feel that a new ice age is imminent and that I require extra pounds of fat to survive future famines. I, however, am sick of being overweight (and sick of the resulting limitations that imposes on my wardrobe) and don’t want to be unhealthy and at risk for diabetes, heart disease, etc.
Luckily, I have an uncommon love of vegetables and salad that I share with my bunny. So, I eat pretty healthy food – except when I get the dreaded cravings for pizza and ice cream! Pizza and ice cream haunt my dreams… And I go out walking and jogging almost every day for 45 minutes to an hour, with some tae bo here and there.
But my body fights me every step of the way. It doesn’t want to jog as much as it used to (some 5 or 6 years ago I used to jog 3 miles every other day easily, now 1 mile is a struggle). And I am ALWAYS hungry. I don’t know how to lose weight without being hungry. “Just eat small meals every few hours,” my healthy friend suggested glibly. I generally do, and I always stuff myself with healthy food. A half hour later, my stomach is rumbling again… pizza slices start dancing before my eyes… and so I generally just live a hungry life, not unlike a supermodel. Once in a while, I cave and bake myself 2 or 3 cookies to eat, then feel terribly guilty.
It’s like my body is determined to make sure I just MAINTAIN the weight I have. Oddly enough, some friends have a similar reaction when I mention that I want to lose weight. They tell me not to be anorexic or that I’m fine the way I am. (When someone told me that I had a pretty face, I wondered if I had become one of those girls who is so hopelessly fat that she has to be reassured that she looks beautiful because it’s unlikely she will ever be any thinner.) My roomie can’t even tell that I’ve lost more than 25 pounds. Therefore, I’m my own personal trainer and support group, and I’m determined to lose. I’ve done my homework – a girl my height and frame should be 50 pounds lighter, at least. So, I exercise beyond my comfort zone – push to jog the extra distance, walk for a longer time, add steps to my pedometer. I count calories and cut fat where I can. I even factor in the calories and fat I add when I can’t resist having a dessert.
I’m winning the day to day battles. I’m down a clothing size and the scale numbers keep getting smaller every week. I’m getting stronger and building up endurance.
But man… I’m really hungry.